Pinewood Derby 2010!

Seriously. Check out the pinewood derby car that my son Benjamin and I put together for our annual Pinewood Derby race with his Cub Scout troop.  Is this not the coolest car ever?!?!  I had very high hopes that even if we did not win for speed, we would at least get the most creative award!  

Well, the day of the race came.  I actually had a lot going on this particular Sunday.  My basketball team had a game and my Senior High youth group were going skiing all day.  But I was not going to allow any other event stop me from the Pinewood Death Race 2010. We would be triumphant one way or another. 

As Ben's troop gathered for the 22 heats that would determine the victor you could sense the tension and excitement in the air.  The first two times that Ben's car went down the tracks SpongeBob SquareCar got first place!  I began to get excited.  Is it possible that this could be my, I mean, Ben's year???  But then in his other matches he came in 3rd and 4th place several other times.  All in all, when the totals were added up, Ben landed in 5th place.  The same boy who wins EVERY year won AGAIN!  Stinkin' engineer for a dad.  Go figure.  

So that didn't matter much because I was like Ralphie in "A Christmas Story" waiting excitedly for the teacher to announce his essay as the best she has ever read, rapturously writing "A++++++++++++" on the chalk board.  I knew that the Cub Master would look with awe at the amazing creativity and shear artistry of SpongeBob SquareCar.  But no.  SBSC was looked over.  Some other car got the cool award.  I was shocked.  I was humiliated.  I felt like John Rambo being disrespected by Sheriff Teasel so he decided to take out his wrath on the whole town of Hope, Washington.  I sensed a conspiracy so deep that even Glenn Beck would somehow find a way to blame Obama for this.  And then of course Obama would blame Bush.  But alas, I had to run off to ski with my youth group and I did not get the chance to administer justice.  Cub leaders beware! I demand a recount! And at least a basic knowledge of who judges and what the criteria for judging was because quite frankly, my car . . . I mean, Ben's car was the coolest.  But since you must be looking for something else, here are my ideas for next year to make sure we catch your attention!


1.  The "Left Behind" Car.  If you notice that I'm not here and you still are, well it sucks for you because I just won BIG!


2.  The Zombieland Car: Blood and entrails always leave a lasting impression.


3.  The Soprano's Car: I win, you live.  I lose, you get wacked.


4.  The 007 Car: A rocket giving the car the boost it needs.

5.  The Kanye West Car: Doesn't matter if someone else wins, I will come up and take the mic and declare who I think should win, MY SON!


6.  The Avatar Car: Because nothing is cooler that being a 10 foot Smurf that can crush any human opposition.

7.  The Terminator Car: A cybernetic organism. Living tissue over a metal endoskeleton. 

8.  The Star Trek Car: Warp speed!


9.  The Suicide Bomber Car: There it blew up! Now all the cars lose as my car enjoys automobile paradise with 40 virgin cars!


10.  A Toyota: No brakes, fast speeds!


So there are my ideas for the pinewood derby cars in the years ahead.  If you have a suggestion I would love to hear it or know what your favorite idea is above.  Who knows, with my warped and twisted sense of humor, you just might see one of them next year.